Monday, December 10, 2012


Hello there folks. Just dropping you a note to let you know that I have, well, moved over to Wordpress. Haha.

Story goes that Deric, my husband, bought me a domain name for my birthday. Hence, I have my very own decent space on the Web now and Size Seven Shoes will now be put to rest quite permanently.

No tears here though, as this has been a very confused and conflicted blog with no clear identity. Here's to hoping for better posts and thoughts to share at my new home on the Web.

And of course, you're most welcome to visit. Do click here.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Rabid Rabbits

Just learned a new term today, which was mostly by accident.

Plot bunnies! Now I know what those restless, mind-gnawing thoughts in the odd hours of the day are called. Hehe.

Think I might have found a plot bunny of my very own to adopt. But well, we'll see. Pets are not an easy responsibility to take one.

Care to pick one for yourself too?

Thursday, October 11, 2012


Sometimes I feel as if I haven't grown up yet.

The feeling that some random day I'll wake up in the morning only to find myself back in my parent's home; my dog Hans standing at the side of my bed nuzzling me to wake up.

And my grandmother would not yet have died.

The distance between my sister and I would not yet have grown.

I would not have to worry about keeping a job yet; in fact, I would not yet have graduated.

God's presence would be so close to me, and I would feel weightless, like I needn't worry about my life before me.

My heart would not yet have been broken, and I would not care for a boyfriend yet, because life was often fine without one.

People I know from childhood would not have left for other places on the pretext of seeking better things.

Friends would not have migrated yet, and would still meet with me and speak to me often.

I would find solace in poems and music, and feel no guilt, no regrets. And I could still journal, and pretend my life somehow made sense.

And then I'll wonder what it would be like to be an adult, and then reawaken to the realisation that I already am one.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Candid colour

Life is like a colourful jar of jelly beans. 

Every day carries a different flavour, a unique experience to add to your overall taste of life. But the flavours are what make life interesting, and worth living. 

Daily experiences also often leave us with plenty to chew on afterwards. What would life be without having stuff to ponder over, after all? God gives us brains for us to use them, I believe. 

And regardless of what jelly bean flavour you and I may be encountering on any given day, there's always a sweetness that shines through all of life: the dependable, constant presence of God that makes everything meaningful and worthwhile. 

So ends my brief analogy. I hope that the next time you pick up a jelly bean you'll be thinking about how precious your life is and feel comforted in knowing there's a purpose to it and a God behind it all.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Dreams and other things for resting your head upon

Here I am, sitting on the balcony on the eleventh floor, fighting to reclaim something I believe I might have lost on the way here. 

It has been awhile since I've blogged, but that is quite trivial when compared to the fact that I have not written anything worthwhile in ages. You do not need to blog to produce something revolutionary. You just merely need to put your thoughts on paper... or, in some cases, on the screen. What matters is you get those ideas out, and then perhaps, some magic might happen. 

Things have been nothing short of magical for me over the past year or so, and particularly since I recently got married - a fairytale that most young girls dream of for more than half their lives. 

But that for me is not enough to satisfy. There are things, buried within the depths of my soul, which require excavating and pondering over. I do not speak of even the profound things like what does my life amount to or what legacy do I hope to leave behind. I merely am thinking of my passions in life and what I ought to do with them. 

Dreams. That's what they are, for the most part. 

To the average person who does not know God nor care for His existence, perhaps pursuing a dream or passion to the very end would be a noble and possibly even wise option.

But for those of us who desire to make more of our lives than simply achieve the self-actualisation that Maslow spoke of, there is an additional factor to consider: what does God make of my dreams? Which ones among them have been approved or even planted by Him and how do I distinguish them from my own selfish lusts and ambitions? 

Which dreams do I leave behind and which do I carry forward with me into the unknown future? 

These are the thoughts that tug at my heart strings. 

Perhaps a dream isn't quite all it's hyped up to be. 

It could be that responsibility, faith, commitment, optimism, love or some other great truth may overtake its importance. 

By the end of my life, it is likely the things that matter to me now will not amount to much, while the things I often did not make much of will prove to be  priceless. 

Monday, September 3, 2012

Antiviruses and judgment in the court of life

Learning how to use my own judgment and being confident about it is still something that I am perfecting. Perhaps you could call it a lack of self esteem (probably some people out there do regard it this way, I suppose) or see it as a form of immaturity.

Well, all I can say is that, though I will reach the age of 29 in a few months, there is still so much to this life that I have yet to understand and even more so, master. I have heard it once said that the old and wiser ones tend to take the humble attitude that all they know is but a fraction in proportion to the total knowledge there is to acquire on this Earth. (Not to mention, working on improving one's character, that is).

Just some thoughts I was pondering as I stuck someone else's thumbdrive into my netbook to copy some files over. My antivirus gave me a pop-up saying that there was malware in the thumbdrive concerned. On my closer inspection, I found that it was referring to a program that would autorun whenever the thumbdrive was inserted into any PC. In other words, a false alarm.

Antiviruses are meant to protect our computers and alert us to actual dangers or even sometimes, potential harm that exist in any form whenever we surf the Internet or stick foreign storage devices into our PC's USB ports.

But ultimately, what I've suddenly been reminded through this recent alert from my antivirus software is that sometimes the antivirus could make wrong assumptions and assume a perfectly legitimate and harmless program is in fact dangerous to the PC.

I guess it's the same with my life and the input others give me. It's great to have the advice and counsel of others, but ultimately, I will need to decide what's best for my own life at the end of the day. No one will be responsible for the outcome but me, and if I blindly follow the things that others say without weighing the options myself, I set myself up for possible danger or unnecessary disappointment.

Not saying here that I don't need the help of others. Just that if I don't take responsibility for my own life - actions, words, thoughts and all - then who will?

Monday, August 27, 2012

Sifted, shifted

Lately I've been wondering if it still means as much to me to want to publish a book. It feels almost as if it doesn't matter anymore.

Or perhaps I'm just still in the semi-transition mode due to adjusting to married life such that I haven't quite fallen back into a life pattern where I re-establish my other hobbies and passions in life into my routine.

Let's just wait and see.

But I cannot deny that some things do feel different now.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

On being prolific

Now and then I am seized with a sense of dissatisfaction that the deep wells of ideas which I used to have of blog topics has apparently run dry.

Then again, perhaps it has not run dry, but rather, I have become too lazy to fetch a bucket and send it plunging into the great depths to draw out whatever imagination there is inside of me.

Imagination does not come easy these days.

Some people say it's easier to create high quality works of art whenever an artist is plagued by melancholy or sadness. While that's true, I really wouldn't want to go back to such misery again just so I can produce some remarkable masterpiece. I'm happy where I'm at now. Surely this can't always be true, and there is a way that I can still write great stuff while being content with life?

Tuesday, June 12, 2012


Okay, so I feel like my creativity has fizzled out, and therefore I have few words that are coming to mind as I'm trying to write a post now.

So I will let pictures do the talking for me for once.

Outwardly, I now look like this:

big smiley

But inwardly, I feel like this...

pin cushion heart

... and like this...

fried brain

Eww, that last one looks awful, doesn't it?

Okay, so I'll come back later when I've got my word power back, alright? Fingers crossed and bye for now. Thanks for stopping by :)

(Psst, don't worry, nothing's been going wrong in life over here, it's just that my brain's in knots and I feel kinda numb. Maybe it's the lack of predictable routine or sleep, hmm I'm not sure. Okaythanksbye!)

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


Recent incidents have had some people I know asking me why do I carry out certain every day activities in a certain way which is different from what is perceived as the norm which everyone else follows. Well, honestly, I don't know. I don't set out to follow norms or trends, I just simply find a way that works for me and make that my habit or preference.

Is the whole world only meant to be built on adhering to what's normal or acceptable? That kind of makes everything rather boring when you think of it that way, doesn't it?

It's just like how it would be queer if the whole world consisted only of Malaysian Chinese. Although I am one, I think it would be such a shame if everyone else was just like me. (It would be freaky too.)

They say that "variety is the spice of life" and I cannot help but agree. It is diversity that makes us human, and makes living on this Earth that extra bit interesting.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

The journalism encounter

The more I think about it, the more I feel that journalism and extramarital affairs have much in common. Both are highly addictive, exciting and often involve a significant amount of danger.

I say this as a former journalist who is presently out of a job and weighing the options on whether delving right back into this extremely challenging field of writing is necessarily a good thing.

Perhaps my exposure to journalism isn't quite the standard fare as compared to the experiences of most:

  1. I have never worked for the newspaper
    (I worked for a weekly magazine funded mostly by an NGO)
  2. I have never worked on shift
    (I worked from 9.30am - 6.30pm, five days a week plus the odd weekend and night assignments that are inevitable for anyone wishing to cover current issues or unfolding news)
  3. I wasn't confined to beat/specialised reporting
    (I wrote articles for all six sections of the publication I worked for)
  4. I never took any formal courses in communications nor journalism
    (I was a [computer] programmer for about two years; when I finally jumped into a writing career, I had to pick up the required skills while on the job)
  5. I frequently and regularly annoyed the editor
    (to a degree that possibly no other journalist before me has been capable of - well, at least that's how I perceived it from the way my editor responded to my antics)
But before you rubbish off my experiences as being fake, I did, however, experience the following:

  1. Pressing deadlines
  2. Coverage of government events and announcements, including trips to Parliament and police headquarters
  3. Possession of a genuine, government-issued Media Tag
  4. Investigative work involving use of the Internet and interactions with various parties who were related to the subject matter being written on
  5. Frequent outings to meet people (important and otherwise) and to conduct interviews with them
  6. Frantic photo taking attempts in order to give the editor something visually pleasing to include in stories I wrote
  7. Last minute assignments which necessitated vacating an already packed personal schedule
  8. Writer's block during the 1-2 hours in which a news story was to be crafted
  9. An almost perpetual insufficient amount of information for feature articles

Why would anyone want to dig their noses into someone else's business just so they can flex their writing muscles to tell the whole world about something they hadn't cared about before and may not even bother with after having read a laboriously crafted article?

Hmm. Let's leave it at that for now. I'll get back to you when I've figured this whole journalism thing out.

Meanwhile, I'd like to stay unattached for now (to any employer, that is).

Monday, April 23, 2012

Pause for effect

Hello there.

I'm hoping that my sporadic blogging habits will mean there is greater appreciation for posts when I actually do write them. Wistful thinking, I know, but what is life without a little hope, eh?

Well, in any case, here I am, dropping in on all you silent readers out there as living proof that this writer still lives.

Things just got busier now that Deric and I have acquired the keys to our new place. It's quite exciting, really, and this would be the first time in my life that there's an empty space over which I can have full say about how it should be decorated and upkept. Absolutely fantastic!

Oh hmm but then again, coming back to the part on the full say, there's still his view to consider... Ah well. At least it's only for the two of us to fight out. Teehee.

In other news, my Mum pointed out to me today several feature articles in The Star (Now everyone can publish, E-book millionaires, Going digital ) which talk about e-publishing. Sounds so simple and potentially lucrative. I should really get down to writing something book worthy.

With each passing day, I've begun to realise just how big a responsibility it is to be a wife. Meeting sexual demands sounds scary enough (I've never really though of myself as having much libido). Then there's the need to take charge of home affairs and keep the place spick and span. Also, the obligation to stay involved and alert in all decision making that is required (this involves not falling asleep when I can't follow what all those figures we're discussing are about - something that has, I'll admit, happen several times already hehe). And of course, there's the obvious task of taking care of the husband too, and that can be a handful in itself since guys are often nonchalant about many things that matter (I am generalising here, of course).

To top it all off, I would still need to manage my own state of affairs at the same time (job, health, beauty, etc).


As it is, I am rather slow moving and at times, clumsy in managing my own stuff. I forget things. I misplace things, then spend a considerable amount of time unearthing where it is they're at. My room is more often in a mess than it is in order, and I keep a ton of junk, inclusive of all sorts of strange memoir that range from ice cream sticks to random pieces of paper to program booklets, ticket stubs and product labels.

It would be quite amusing to see what sort of a wife I turn out to be. Then again, it may not be so amusing when I have to suffer the consequences of my incompetency.

Besides all this serious, life altering stuff, I've recently felt the magnetic pull of art and craft work again. Having to hunt for materials to use for wedding favours has put me in close proximity to all these delectable items that I used to love in my childhood and teenage days. If only I could find the time to pick these things up again - knitting, tatting, crotcheting, embroidery, etc.

Perhaps if I ever become a homemaker, I could devote time to such things. It seems like such a tempting option right now, especially since I have no full time job. But of course, I know that's not really a good idea right now, given that our expenses require that both of us work. Sigh.

Alrighty, I have work to do now - the kind that pays money in return. So that'll be it for today. You can go now. Scat.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Grammatically yours

I've recently acquired another freelance job, making my employment count a grand total of two now.

It's pretty interesting, I feel, because one of the jobs is requiring me to resurrect my knowledge on the (formal) study of the English language - things that I've abandoned ever since graduating with an SPM certificate from secondary school.

I remember some time ago I was thinking to myself that I need to revise these language concepts so I can acquire more insight on how I can deliberately improve my writing (since I'd be aware of what I was actually doing).

The only reason that I stopped short of actually putting those thoughts into action was that I wondered if after I had revisited all those troublesome principles of the English language, I might actually suddenly grow a distaste for writing altogether or become so confined in the way I constructed sentences that I would no longer know what it is to write creatively and freely.

But I suppose that makes as much sense as saying I'd better not go for music lessons because learning to read music notes will ruin my ability to create good music. Formally and informally trained musicians alike all have the ability to create splendid music, since it's based on their efforts rather than merely knowledge or creativity.

So I guess for writing it must be the same. Well, at least I hope so.

Whatever the case may be, I'm learning new things. Which is surely a good thing. Right now, those new things I speak of consist of editing skills and English language concepts. Both very handy skills to tuck stealthily under my belt for the day when I become an author. Teehee. One step closer.

Meanwhile, it has recently dawned on me that planning for my wedding is, in essence, assuming an event organiser's role. Hmm. Well, no wonder then that I at times feel extremely uncomfortable managing or deciding on things for my wedding. I don't like event management or organising or whatever other name you want to call it. For me, the only thing I like doing at functions or events is attending them. 

Unfortunately, in the absence of a wedding planner, I have to be involved in most of the decisions for my wedding. I mean, after all, it is my wedding. Heh.

I guess the part that irks me is that no matter how much items on the To-Do List get cleared, there's always plenty more stuff still undone that requires my attention. Sigh. Is this how it will continue to be right up till the day of the wedding, I wonder...

Things I could possibly write about right now:

  1.  Wedding prep
  2. My journey so far as a writer
  3. Family
  4. My deceased dog, Hans
  5. My random musings on life
  6. My comments on photos I've randomly taken
  7. Bible truths which I should be starting to uncover in preparation for my role as a future wife
  8. Things I'm continuously learning in life

That's more than enough material for a book, isn't it?

Bah. Who am I kidding?

Okay, back to enjoying the rainy weather and dreamy thoughts for now then. See ya.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Shifting Sands

It's been 3 working days now since my last day at my old job. And surprisingly, it's been just as busy as it would have been had I been working, if not more.

I have either been out running errands or have been occupied with one thing or another such that I have yet to get down to stuff I actually want to do.

Nevertheless, these are exciting times.

I used to think of uncertainty as being such a bother, but facing it now evokes a different spectrum of sentiments from me.

Yes, of course, I am a little uneasy, especially since there are only 114 days left to my wedding. But yet I feel somewhat alright, and am content to just wait and see how everything pans out.

It would be presumptuous to call this faith though. How does a person measure whether they have faith anyway?

Of course we do what we can to trust God, but how do we know for sure that our confidence lies in having faith in Him alone, since it could be also partially influenced by other factors such as pride or other things?

Whatever the case may be, I personally feel that's there's more required at times like this than mere faith. I must do what I can do, exhaust all my options and strength.

Then once that has been done, it will be time for me to watch, wait and embrace whatever God has in store for me.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


According to Paul David Hewson, or more commonly known as Bono, the frontman of veteran band, U2, freedom has a scent. Well, if that is so, I suppose you would certainly be able to sniff it in the air now if you were anywhere near me. 

You see, my colleagues and I were just informed of our redundancy last week. Apparently, the management of our publication has finally reached the decision that the magazine we have been writing for and keeping afloat for the past year or so will no longer be viable to upkeep. 

It's money matters. Money is always the matter, isn't it?

Well, well... there's at least some good news for you, dear readers of my blog. You will witness more frequent appearances from me in this space. No guarantee that what is written will make sense, or even be entertaining, but I guess you'll not know 'till you stop by. 

Ah, I'm procrastinating again. I've a good few articles to complete for my soon-to-be-defunct employer, which explains my out-of-the-blue blog post. Teehee. 

Anyway, the REAL reason I came here was to share this very good quote:

"The freedom to share one's insights and judgments verbally or in writing is, just like the freedom to think, a holy and inalienable right of humanity that, as a universal human right, is above all the rights of princes."
- Carl Friedrich Bahrdt

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Boom: KLPAC play that is by no means bust

Tonight Deric and I went to see Peter Sinn Nachtrieb's play, boom, which is currently showing at the Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Centre.

Touted as "the Asian premiere of America's most produced play in 2009-2010" in the email invitation I received from The Actors Studio, I was naturally curious as to what it was all about and whether it was as great as the email had suggested.

What I found was that it as just as was described in the review published in The Star. The outstanding features of the play were its riveting, hilarious script and the splendid performance that was put up by the actors.

The play's script consisted was a colourful concoction of words, and was extremely delightful and witty although it would have been better had it not incorporated any foul language as part of the script.

It also had the most elaborate stage setup that I've seen thus far (do bear in mind that I haven't really seen many plays thus far in my life).The stage was set to look like an apartment room atmostphere and felt very believable, gave the impression that it was lived in and put frankly, looked quite natural.

The thing that intrigued me the most about it was that during an earthquake scene in the play, wall cupboards which were part of the set could actually tilt and move in such a way as to give the impression that the earthquake was real.

The storyline itself was interesting too. So was the fact that the story was being narrated occasionally from the viewpoint of a woman who works at a museum (Barbara) and is in charge of the exhibit from which we are watching the story of Jules and Jo (the play's two main characters) unfold.

Among the subtexts of the play was the topic of sex. In view of this as well as the fact that there is some indecent language in the dialogue, I'd say the play is not suitable for anyone below 18 or those who do not have a firm grasp on their faith or have yet to adopt a personal stand on what their views are regarding the theory of evolution.

For me, it was the first time I've seen sex scenes in a play. To be a bit more specific, there are several French kissing scenes in the play, coupled by a scene where Jules is heard quoting lines (while hidden backstage) that connote masturbation and also another scene where Jules and Jo are making out and tumbling around in bed intertwined (but thankfully the audience is spared of nudity, making it a tad less uncomfortable than say, movies these days).

Oh, and I shouldn't leave out mentioning the fact that even right at the start of the play, the actors are already kissing (although briefly, compared to the later bit), and Jo is telling Jules to take off his shirt and pants (put simply, to get naked so they can get on with it and have sex). 

But the main subtext of the play would be its clear pro-evolution stance, zooming in on promoting the theory that we evolved from fish. A fishy perspective, if you ask me. 

The (typically morbid) subject of the apocalypse was also touched on as part of the play's plot. But because the play was comedic in nature, it wasn't at all a grim experience for us in the audience and therefore, remained more or less still quite palatable. 

Another thing about the play is the fact that it was not adapted or localised (ie Malaysianised), but was instead performed as is. Since it was written by a playwright from the US, some aspects of the play had a distinct American feel to it. Especially in terms of places mentioned, manner of speech and expressions, and certain lifestyle traits (eg: advertising online for random sex with a stranger - but then again, I can't exactly say for sure that this doesn't happen in Malaysia; it might but probably in a more hushed setting rather than openly advertised in public).

Although this did not in any way render the production any less professional (in fact, I must say, they did a splendid, rather immaculate job with the acting and effects), Deric did point out that it was weird to have Asian cast reciting such a Westernised script and I do agree with this point of his. Perhaps it may not have been so weird if the actors were orang putih (Malay for "white people" or "Westerners") themselves.

Well, all in all, it was an entertaining play, thus it has achieved the basic purpose behind producing stage plays. Both Deric and I had many good laughs while watching the play, and we agreed afterwards that it was an enjoyable play.

We don't agree with the premise of the subtext though.

But don't get me wrong, I like fish. And, in the true spirit of a Malaysian Chinese, I especially like mine cooked with ginger.

Monday, February 20, 2012

A mind for the masses

This weekend I visited Canaanland (a Christian book store located near my house, to those of you who are not from the Klang Valley) and bought 2 books. My decision to get them was as a means of preparing for my upcoming wedding, which will be taking place in 152 days' time.

One of the books I bought is entitled Intended For Pleasure and is authored by Ed & Gaye Wheat. I had heard a great deal about this book from couples who have undergone pre-marital counselling. It is said to be a good book to read about sex in the context of a Christian marriage.

Since Deric and I will be covering the illusive topic of sex in our upcoming session with our pre-marital counsellors, Mike and Diane Constantine, I decided that the time has come for me to start educating myself on these issues and preparing to face them so I am not helplessly clueless when the time comes.

But rather than focus on my personal preparation for marriage (which will probably be a long story in itself and warrants a post for itself, or maybe even several), I wanted instead to talk about how inspired and amazed I am that the author of this book (Ed Wheat), who is a certified doctor by training, committed himself to writing a book that would help others on the very tricky and private subject of sex between a married couple.

I feel so tremendously blessed to be able to hold in my hands a book containing a wealth of wisdom from a man (and his wife) whom I do not know personally yet who share the same faith in Jesus that I have. From what I understand from reading the book's foreword, Mr Wheat has already passed on. Even greater now is the value of this book - the fact that I can learn from one who has gone before me, even to the very gates of heaven.

I am truly amazed. And the fact that he used the skills and knowledge that he had - medicine being his career - to bless others in the kingdom of God is just simply brilliant. The thought occurred to him, although there are, without a doubt, so many other Christian physicians out there who, I am sure, are equally well versed in the same discipline as Dr Wheat was.

Yet God did not speak to them to instruct them to write a book about sex, but to Dr Wheat instead. Why? Only God would know the answer to that, but for me, I can only marvel.

I wonder how he felt when the idea first occurred to him. Did he wonder whether it was a good idea? Did he wrestle with the decision for days on end before arriving at the conclusion that this was God's will for him - to write a book on such a delicate (and sometimes even taboo) subject?

Then again, I read in the preface that he also had been a marriage counsellor to many Christian couples. So I guess by the time he had set out to write the book, he'd most likely have had the clarity in his spirit to know that this was what God intended for him to do.

Whatever the case may be, I just find it so heartwarming that someone out there, across the globe, at one crucial moment in his life, realised that he possessed something that would be so useful to the masses that he could not ignore the need to do what he believed he was meant to do - write that book.

When I finally do decide what book to write, I want to have that kind of perspective in mind.

I have been mulling over what book to write for what seems like forever. There are subjects that would be all too easy to rattle on about, and there are also those topics which I feel reasonably well versed in and comfortable writing about. In other words, there is always an easy way to take as far as churning out a published book is concerned (or so I think, at least at this point of time).

But perhaps the more important question to ask myself when deciding on the kind of book to write should be this: Given the talents, experiences and wisdom I have accumulated in all these 28+ years of my life, what book could I possibly write that would offer the greatest impact and inspiration to my readers - both those in the present and maybe also in the future?

This is a truly revolutionary thought for me. It's back to the drawing board again (and I dread the thought that it may be ages yet till I finally settle on what I can and should write into a book), but at least I feel my direction being further defined.

I am, I sincerely hope, one step closer.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

The weather and its ways

Good... morning.

 Such irony there is. On a morning where Deric and I agree to meet up for morning exercise, it rains.

It's amusing how the vagaries of nature can just suddenly jump out at you and foil your plans. But that's how it is, I guess. Nature is beyond our control. But it's not beyond God's.

I guess we'll just have to make the most of this cool, wet morning. Even if the exercise part gets delayed, it's still a lovely morning in itself.

To me, every morning is lovely because it's a new day. That means new chances, and a shot at new beginnings, too.

*     *     *

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not. 
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
 - Lamentations 3:22-23 

Sunday, January 22, 2012


It feels strange to have a blog titled Size Seven Shoes and then to have a coffee cup picture showing on the site. I really should make my own template and put shoes into the design. Hmm.

But I like this template.. how? :(

Seeing red

Chinese New Year begins tomorrow.

I think it only really excites you when you're still a child. The thought of the angpaus and meeting cousins and playing games with them seems very much appealing at that age.

At my age, it's not to say that I don't like Chinese New Year altogether, it's just that with each passing one, you feel the weight of how much time has flown and you wonder at where you're at.

This is my final Chinese New Year receiving angpaus. Once I get married later this year, I will be the one handing them out. It'll be a different feeling. It's one of those markers in your life that make you realise how many years you've braved through, and wonder how many more there will be to come.

I've never particularly felt responsible with money. Not that I'm a huge spender, but just that I don't particularly keep a close tab on where all the money goes. I wonder will that be a hindrance as I take on marriage. I wonder how much parents set aside each Chinese New Year in order to be able to hand out angpaus to all who are eligible and whose paths cross theirs.

I am curious too, whether any married couple has ever found themselves utterly broke for the sheer reason that they either handed out too many angpaus or decided on giving too generous a sum in the select few they distributed.

Okay, I need to get out of this Bride-To-Be mode before I end up evoking some long drawn melancholic episode in some single and desperate friend of mine.

Sorry, I didn't mean to rub it in if it was ever perceived that way. I was just wondering aloud. With all this wedding preparations looming ahead, I cannot help but be constantly faced with thoughts about the future consequences of my actions.

I think I have reached the conclusion that while it is good to marry early, it's also important that it is not TOO early. I cannot imagine having to deal with all that I'm working through right now at say, 16 or 18 years old.

It's just way too overwhelming.

In some ways, I'll miss some of the stuff we have the freedom to do when we were teens, but for the most part, I'm happy to be all grown up and moving forward. There are lots of perks to being an adult ;) A child is not wrong in wanting to grow up.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

New, what?

I awoke to the sound of birds outside my window. They were chirping cheerily and it felt as if they were saying to me, "Oh come on, time to get out of bed already, the New Year has begun and it's simply beautiful!"

It's cloudy outside. I hear cars whizzing by as they zoom off to break in the day.

Overhead, an aircraft flies, but my curtains are drawn so I can only guess at what kind it is, based on the sound it makes.

I feel calm as I linger on my bed, but my mind has already begun spinning thoughts of things I should do but haven't done.

Holidays end soon and then it's work, routine, mundaneness again.

Unlike other New Years, this time I feel a tinge of apprehension for the upcoming realities that for now remain unknown.

Previous callouses of the heart compel me to be wary of what will come, what I hold on to and may, at times, inevitably lose.

I have watched as bodies age and leave this world. I have endured heartache. I witnessed betrayal and the resulting decay of companionship. I tasted tears, romance; grappled with anger, restlessness.

What does it all come to, to have lived? Year upon year they stack higher with the advent of age and hopes to grasp wisdom.

I have yet to muster something worthwhile to offer, and I only marvel at the productivity, determination, ambition of some.

I feel as though I am floating, driven to and fro by unseen winds.

I only hope for rhyme and rhythm and reason to return. And while I wait, I shuffle and hope to redeem at least some of this... time.

- Posted via BlogPress from iPod